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(Ode to)
In this historical period, after two minutes of morning news, I am in anguish. Pessimism for this unpleasant situation, but fortunately there is "Paramount Network" which manages to alleviate my mood. And it does so with the replicas of "Baywatch". And not a single episode, but two. The ocean, the beach, the sun and the rescues. Ok okay: the lifeguards in red swim suit. Plunging into that trashy and improbable sea is a ray of sunshine that distracts from everything.
I honestly never thought that "Baywatch" could have this honor. I would never have thought of it even in the early nineties, when this show represented an interesting study on swim suit. Not even from the middle of that decade, when thanks to the internet the theme of the protagonists without swim suit being deepened. It should also be said that "Baywatch" also represented everything we hated at the time: the mainstream, the barely concealed Americanism, the heroism, the good and just paternals of his protagonist, Mitch Buchannon. Who, it must be said, had many affairs and raised a son alone, but he show to you the right way to a correct, tempered life, as a good father of an American family. That David Hasselhoff idol of us children of the eighties and who with hindsight was already a truly asshole when he was driving a talking car.
And yet, all this now appears far away, demodé and "Baywatch" has become an inevitable morning appointment. Its beauty is that it describes a world, which does not exist, a utopia, where we would like to live. Busty lifeguards running in slow motion on the beach, muscle lifeguards, running like Bolt on the beach. Bathers where the ugliest was eliminated in some late round of Miss Universe. And again, a world where everything is resolved. Where few people accidentally die and if it really happens, it is because the character has to leave the series, (but also leaves the series due to changing needs of life) where if you do crap, someone forgives you or resolves but then you get a long and very boring lecture.
We must be honest though, such a perfect world is really boring and silly and above all we would be send away in a bad way really fast. Yes, let's face it, how many of us would be able to compete with the body of C.J., Donna or Lani, that is Pamela Anderson, Donna D’Errico and Carmen Electra, just to name a few or with Stephanie's muscles and intelligence? And how many more could be noticed more than Cody, Logan, Matt or be more effective than Michael Newman who in real life was really a Life Guard and firefighter? Few probably. So let's avoid shitty figures.
The fortune of "Baywatch" in its eleven seasons, plus spin-offs, has been to find a simple formula: beauty of the performers, lightness of the background, action and good feelings. A very simple formula, which combined with shots of the asses and boobs of the actresses (I think the operator suffered from cervical) has made it an incredible success. Incredible because NBC canceled the show after just one season, in 1989, before David Hasselhoff with Berk and Schwarz and Bonann produced it on their own bringing it to world success, to several TV films and to a rather recent one that sooner or later I will review.
A series that hosted very famous people, such as Richard Branson (who does water skiing and presents Virgin Cola), the famous VJ, as well as great memories of those years, Jenny McCarthy, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Jay Leno and many others.
A carousel, in short, with a bad acting and a production that uses tricks from b movie in the service of a direction that is saved only for the shots of boobs and ass and that gave us trash pearls almost in every episode.
Difficult to list them all, but C.J. who kisses a seal, in a skimpy dress is with Mitch's dream in which he dies by launching himself with the parachute that does not open and ending up alive in the water by diving in the most simply way are the moments that I remember most since the nineties. Not to mention the episode in which Stephanie dies and his funeral on the beach, with the stunned faces of the protagonists. And the next one? The one where they think Stephanie reincarnated in a dog? Wonderful. And again, the lesbian strip, the one where they play as "Charlie's Angels" or the moment when a kind of marine jellyfish appears that seems to have come out of a Corman’s movie. Adorable.

However, to make an episode of "Baywatch" it takes a few ingredients. First of all, a busty lifeguard running in slow motion on the beach and a muscle lifeguard running without messing up in the sun. Then a vast series of morons that throw themselves into the water without knowing how to swim or drive a boat or after eating a Parmigina. There are also the losers, those who can swim or drive a boat, but who collide with ufo, prehistoric animals, and anything else, that is, things that have never been seen in those places. But don't worry, our heroic lifeguards are ready to jump into the sea and save the victim at the last second, putting their lives at risk.
Then there is the social problem, such as alcoholism, drugs or even something less important, in which our Mitch often puts us beak or at best our heroes in swimsuit think about it. A small sentimental affair of the type that they love, they have sex, break up, then maybe get married, but then leave again, with a comic relief to counterbalance. A relief that does not make you laugh, never. In this regard, see the episode with the mouse that steals objects.
So kitschy, glamorous and so absurd that it's the perfect distraction for this period. Thanks "Baywatch" for showing us that the world could have been a worse place and thanks to the operator with the cervical.